It’s October?! I am loving the cooler weather and cozy vibes but can’t believe how fast the months are whizzing by. Our girl is almost one! We have such little time to do anything extra, like post a blog, but since I want to remember our first year as a family of four, I am going to quickly try to remember Kenna’s first trip to Tahoe (way back in July)! Read on 🙂
We typically go to a resort near North Lake Tahoe to celebrate our anniversary however, this year we took a special trip to Hawaii. So before Mike wrapped his pat leave, we packed up our (new) car and trekked up in elevation to our special place to squeeze in a weekend there.
We left mid-morning on a Friday, wanting to avoid traffic and a 8 month old at all costs. About 2 hours into the drive, we stopped at The Nut Tree, the ideal location for a pitstop with kids! There are plenty of food options for all of the different wants and needs and there is a small train to ride. Not bad.
After another 90 minutes or so we pulled over in Auburn at Ikeda’s, a charming local shop that has such good food. Cam got a monster ice cream and was content until we arrived at our destination an hour or two later.
It is such a whirlwind unpacking with kids… we needed the pack n play, the seat attachment/high chair thing, a diaper changing station, all of the hats, and sunglasses, and where is the hotel card again?! After throwing things around in some kind of organized chaos, we kicked off our vacation with to-go Sandy’s Pub on the lawn and took in the views and fresh air while while burning some energy from our long drive.
We put Kenna to sleep – after her first sink bath (forgot to confirm if the room had a bathtub…) – and after Cam followed, had aperol spritz before going to sleep ourselves!
pumping before having a drink!
The next morning I took Kenna down to the rustic little cafe on the property and enjoyed a chilly stroll with a warm coffee and my girl. Once it was a bit warmer out, we all hit the pool. After a small dip in the water, Kenna had a poolside nap while I read a book.
While Kenna took her next nap back in the room, I took Cam to the village across the way, via shuttle. A highlight for Cam because he loves big moving vehicles and he remembered the driver last year* had lollipops. Lucky for us it was the same driver and same basket of lollis!
When we got back, the whole fam went to the lobby for some games and for mom + dad to enjoy a drink. Mike and I have always enjoyed a good lobby drink and it’s fun now to bring our kids and play games!
The next day Cam and I joined my grandparents, who live conveniently nearby, for lunch. And then, the real reason of their visit – aside from seeing them, of course – was so Mike and I could got hot tubbing for one hour by ourselves. I think this is the 3rd year my grandparents have done this for us and I always appreciate it so much.
After we said goodbye to them, we took the kids back to the pool for a final dip and plunge down the waterslide. Which, a story we love, Cam preferred to go down with me vs. dad “because mom goes slow.”
We left the next day, feeling happy for the memories with Kenna and Cam at a place we imagined bringing our kids to over a decade ago. 🙂
*fun fact: we told Cam he was going to be a big brother last year when we visited (it is also where we decided we were going to try for a second baby and where Cam took his first steps)!
our 5 year dating anniversary in 2016 (!) at the same lil spot
I had a tentative goal to finish my mat leave roundup posts around the time Mike went back to work from his leave or before summer was over. We’ve blown past these two things! Cam is now a big kindergartner and Kenna has actually started at her own little school/day care. She’s 9.5 months (which feels like a big deal to be bc of the whole 9 months in / 9 months out trend) and I have other things to post about, like our trip to Tahoe, Toronto, and Napa, but I know I’ll want to come back and read about my final month of maternity leave ever!!! So with my shorthand notes and pictures on my phone as a guide…. Let’s go back.
May
My last month of leave with my baby girl!! Unlike with Cam, when I go back to work, Mike starts his leave so I feel mostly comfort knowing he will be with her everyday and she isn’t going straight to school just yet. (Cam also didn’t go to daycare at this point but we were still in covid so my mom was able to “join our bubble” and watch him at our house, which I absolutely loved.)
We have a trip to Hawaii to look forward to in the middle of the month but until then, I am soaking in my lazy days at home with Kenna. The days blurb together in a way but somehow the weekends are still treasured. Even though I’m not working, there’s still that Friday feeling, you know?
Kenna continues going to PT once a month.. Between Kenna crying and her Physical Therapist hustling through what feels like hundreds of exercises to do daily, I find the sessions completely overwhelming. This babygirl does not seem to be interested in rolling over but physically she is able to do it.
It’s hard to believe I’m going back to work in a few short weeks! The ~6 months away have been a journey. My recovery wasn’t as straightforward as I thought it would be and that caused a lot of frustration, tears, and worry. Breastfeeding was a bit touch and go but we mostly maintained our rhythm. There were certainly a few dreadfully tired nights – the hardest being when she just wouldn’t go to sleep at all – but they were few and far, which I’m so thankful for. Sleep is >
Kenna and I spent a good amount of time on the couch – her sleeping soundly in my arms, me watching episode after episode trying not to move much. These endless hours of TV time depict something that happens often in parenthood that I am never quite ready for… something that completely consumes your days can suddenly vanish without warning, leaving you missing those days forevermore. I think most of the time this phenomenon is talked about with cuddles, bedtime stories, and other sentimental things but I might cry if I think about all of those! So here is a list of the shows/movies we watched 🙂
Ballers – Mike and I watched this one right when we got home from the hospital; there is just something about “the show” you watch in those newborn days (do I feel like Dwyane Johnson was in the trenches with me this time around? …maybe).
Glamorous on Netflix – this series was so cute. I can’t believe I hadn’t watched it before. Also Kim Cattrall? Icon.
The Six Triple Eight with Kerry Washington – loved this story.
Joy on Netflix – also a good story.
Rewatched Bethenny Getting Married? and Bethenny Ever After – this is revealing a lot about me but I’ll own it; (1) I love shows from that first decade of reality TV, like Laguna Beach and Newlyweds, because they don’t feel as trashy (2) I like Bethenny! Mike makes fun of me for this but he’s dealt with it for over a decade now (The Big Shot with Bethenny was another one I loved)
The Americas narrated by Tom Hanks – I love a good nature documentary.
Overall, during my leave, wins for me felt like:
a made bed (preferably early on in the day)
staying on top of the dishes throughout the day, or at least having them all in the sink
having “French dinner music” playing in rooms throughout the house, Taylor Swift and Noah Kahn were also big hits
HAVING THE WINDOWS OPEN!!!! I can’t stand being in a house with the windows closed, esp when I’m in it almost 24/7
Getting out on a walk (extra points for the “long loop” but I was happy with anything really – done is better than perfect, right?)
It was hard when:
the house was a mess and ! was thinking more about what had to be cleaned than being present with my kids
I already talked a lot about this but the pain and healing was just so challenging
little things like my glasses being dirty or my hair being in my face would agitiate me SO much while I was breastfeeding and not able to move freely (it was like a crash course in embodiment sometimes!)
days were my supply dipped, even though I had a stash of frozen breastmilk and sd=he took formula from 3 months
A few closing notes… I found myself comparing this journey to Cam’ being a’s newborn days a lot, particularly when it came to my body and what is was doing. Maybe this is normal, maybe it’s torture?
The support we received in those early days/weeks was so cherished. Especially all of the food friends delivered that trailed on through Christmas. We were so grateful for every single meal.
Overwhelming my months with Kenna were just so incredibly precious. I’ll always treasure the weeks that it was just us during the workweek. Lazy jammy mornings. Long walks. Cuddles. Her laughs and lightning-fast movements. Her interest in things; her quiet way of taking in the world around her. Her little smirk. Every picture and video I have of this time is cherished and will be browsed upon often. It is so true that they are only that small for a blink.
MY GIRL!
Read about [Nov + Dec] here, [Jan + Feb] here, and [Mar + Apr] here.
It is still cold in California. With all of our time indoors, we try to get serious about physical therapy for Kenna, who seems to be developing plagiocephaly (a flat spot). Now mama and baby are both in PT and it’s tummy time and pelvic floor exercises are daily. You know, the fun stuff!
Tummy time!
Kenna is just over 3 months, which feels huge; the 4th trimester finito. She is grabbing for toys and bringing them close to her mouth. She coos a lot and I am in love with it. I’m starting to go on daily walks with her, which seems a little challenging because we are limiting the amount of time she spends in “containers” (anything she sits in like a carseat, bouncer, or stroller) but a walk seems vital to my mental health. Off we go! Just like with Cam, I absolutely love this time of my mat leave. I feel like I could contently walk along with my little babe for hours but limit it to 30-45 minutes a day. 🙂
A sleepy walk
Kenna consistently has one bottle a day, which gives me some flexibility but also creates the complexity of pumping. I’m glad she’s able to take the bottle without much fuss though. Another big development is her trying and being okay (!) with formula. We tried to give Cam formula when he was six months and he said no way. The original plan was to wait until 6 months with Kenna but instead we tried 2 oz at ~3 1/2 months. She gulped it down like nothing was different which was both a relief and …a bit of an ego hit.
We’re starting to explore local restaurants as a family of four. With two small kids, meals are marathons but we typically go early enough to avoid crowds. Mostly because that works best for our schedule but I like the added perk of being in and out before anything gets busy. Notably Kenna and I also go and visit daddy at his office one day for lunch. These are the sorts of things we weren’t able to do with Cam because of the pandemic.
On the healing front, despite starting PT and mentally feeling better about things, physically I am still in daily discomfort. I talk to my new MD and she theorizes using an estrogen cream might help given levels remain low after labor and delivery. I start it and cross my fingers for some relief.
Towards the end of the month, Cam turns 5! Ah. I found out I was pregnant with Kenna 3 days before Cam’s 4th birthday. We celebrate with a park birthday and Kenna sleeps the whole afternoon. Despite some strong winds, it is a great afternoon celebrating Cam.
Kenna is almost 4 months and goes to sleep within 30 minutes of when Cam does (between 7-8pm) and sleeps until 1am. She wakes up for a feed and then back to sleep until 5am for another feed before one last quick doze; usually waking from the day around 7 or 8am. She is always ready for her first nap within an hour of waking up. The rest of the day is starting to fall into place, with her napping around ~8am, ~11am, ~2pm, ~4pm but sometimes it is still a little ad hoc depending on how long she sleeps for.
Every Friday, Kenna and I pick up Cam from school “at the gate” when he is out for the day (vs. sending him to extended care). These few hours are pretty tiring with both of them but also so cherished. We go for ice cream or to the library. Sometimes we just come home and snuggle. No matter what we do, I love this time with both of them and it is a nice way to sail into our weekends.
Library days are some of the best
Towards the end of March, we take Kenna swimming for the first time! It is a logistical quest for maybe 10 minutes in the pool but it was worth it. She seems indifferent to the water but looks so darn cute in her little bathing suit!
A tiny baby wet suit
April
It’s spring break for Cam! It’s starting to get a little warmer out so we can spend some time outside. Fresh air is just a reset button for kids, isn’t it?
We are still going strong with tummy time and PT for Kenna. She is getting stronger but might still need a helmet for her little flat spot. We’ll see.
More tummy time after mom makes the bed
My grandparents visit again and I am feeling much better physically than their last visit, 6 weeks after Kenna was born. It is Easter weekend and there is a small egg hunt that my grandma and I take the kids to in a nearby shopping plaza. It is such a fun afternoon skipping around looking for eggs and treats, even scoring a free popcorn and movie ticket at the local theater.
Laughs with Great Grandma
Like when Cam, we decided to sleep train Kenna at four and a half months. Unlike with Cam, instead of both of us being miserable and listening to her cry – we divide and conquer. Mike stays in the house the first night while I am outside with the neighbors having margaritas! He says she cried for ~25 min and then falls asleep. I’m so glad I didn’t have to hear her little sobs and that first night seemed to be the worst of it. She puts herself to sleep in under 10 minutes for naps and bed after. Whoo hoo!
some self pampering now that we know how to put ourselves to sleep 🙂
Mike’s parents come for another visit towards the end of the month. It’s nice to have extra sets of hands for a week. Mike and I sneak out on a date night. My aunt, uncle, and cousin come down to watch the kids so we can take Mike’s parents to a play – which is such a treat! With Kenna going to sleep consistently, I don’t feel too nervous leaving her because we are able to put her to sleep before we leave.
Kenna tries some oatmeal for the first time and seems pretty happy about it. I love giving babies food so I am really excited about this stage and all of the new things she gets to explore.
Nom nom little one!
I only have about one month of my leave and I can’t believe I won’t have all of the hours in the day to cuddle my little girl and to enjoy our slow mornings, afternoon walks, playtime, feeds, and giggles. My little baby!!
It’s a new year! Our house hasn’t yet recovered from the Christmas chaos. Cam is still on winter break. I have my 6 week postpartum check up and, despite still being in a lot of discomfort, the doctor says my stitches have dissolved and everything looks good. Huh… But I’m still experiencing a lot of soreness. “Is that normal?”
“Not really… But everything looks fine.”
I think I need a new gynecologist…
My grandparents come for a visit to meet Kenna. For how uncomfortable I am – and because I’ve abandoned my pain meds, tired of taking them when I want to be back to normal – it’s far too early to be hosting. We edge our way through the weekend but I break down a few times and I don’t think anyone really knows what to do with that. Maybe there needs to be a pre-visit checklist moms fill out before anyone comes over so people know how to offer the right kind of support.
Great Grandma
Great Grandpa
Even though I’m not where I want to be in my healing, I am thankful everyday for Kenna. Ugh. She’s so cute. She still has all of this jet black hair and it makes me laugh when people ask who she got it from?!
I look at my husband and his black (well, now salt and pepper;) hair and smirk, “hmm.. I don’t know!”
The cutest little avocado!
Mike goes back to work and Cam back to school the first Monday of the month. My grandparents watch Kenna so I can volunteer in Cam’s class and I’m thankful for their visit.
The year is starting it’s rhythm. Kenna and I spend a lot of time inside. She’s a snacky little eater and I am feeding her almost every hour. It’s hard having a tiny baby in the winter without much daylight and time outside but I really love TV 🙂 and she sleeps most of the day, so it’s a cozy time. We have a lot of those ooey gooey contact naps that make your heart melt even though your body aches because it has been in the same position for hours.
We go bowling and out to lunch with close friends – it still feels so crazy we are allowed to take babies places! Cam didn’t go anywhere aside from our house, outside, and the doctor’s until he was over a year old.
Big bro bowling
I also adventure up to the city with both kids to visit a friend, while Mike does an all day house project. We have a blast strolling through the streets and checking out a rooftop patio and a nearby beach spot. Seeing your friends with your kids is so special.
Kenna is starting to smile – it’s as cute as when Cam gave his first little grins years ago. Cam is the best with her and asks for “Kenna cuddles.” He copies us too and says things like, “oh girl! you are soooo cute!” or “hi, girl! oh we love you!”
Around 8 weeks we hit a sleep milestone. Kenna is no longer our little late-night sidekick. She’s shifted her bedtime to around 8pm vs. 10pm/11pm when we go to bed. It’s nice to have a few hours solo now but it also means we’re getting even less sleep since the majority of her longest stretch of sleep (~5 hours) is while we are still awake. This means instead of a nice 5 hour sleep, we’re back to only 2-3 hours each night. Her nighttime witching hours have seemed to subside though.
I’m still in a lot of discomfort so book another physical exam with my gynecologist. Everything looks “fine” so I feel crazy and like maybe I will always feel like this. If they don’t know what is wrong, how will it get fixed….? Luckily she refers me to a pelvic floor physical therapist and I’m relieved with at least a Next Step but decide to get a new doctor nonetheless.
I have friends over for takeout one stormy night and I think I scare them with my birth story and how tired I am. They are all sweet and kind and ask lots of questions and take turns bouncing Kenna in her rocker so I can eat my ramen and drink my one beer without interruption. As a favor, they take our trash bins to the curb when they leave so we don’t have to go out in the rain. I am so thankful.
February
The cold weather hangs around and Kenna and I spend a lot of time on the couch. I have a lot of pictures (but never enough) of all of her contact naps. Ugh. She’s so cute.
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I start to do yoga a little bit more – aiming to roll out my mat at least once a day the literal minute after she goes down for a nap in the snoo. There is always a lot to catch up on around the house (dishes, laundry) and I know I can easily miss my window for some movement if I get swept up in chores. Kenna’s naps are inconsistent and she sleeps better on me but we’re trying to get used to sleeping solo here and there. Nothing rigid though. She’s too small and precious for rules.
Cam has ski week in the middle of the month and I’m alone with the kids during the day while Mike works. It is daunting. Kenna’s lack of schedule and Cam’s requirement for constant play make things a bit challenging. We spend a lot of time curled up in Cam’s room, which feels a little more contained than the living room / kitchen and, importantly, is cozy warm with the sun facing us almost all day.
We were able to book-end ski week with two small getaways. We kicked off the week visiting some of our oldest friends at their new house in Roseville, about 2 hours from us. They have a son who is one year older than Cam and every time we get them together, they play well. It’s so nice to have the kids entertained with each other so we can catch up! This was Kenna’s first long car drive and she didn’t seem to have any complaints.
silly faces
At the end of the week, we stole away a bit South to a beach house rental with other close friends who have kiddos. Same story here: Cam gets along so well with their daughter so the kids entertain each other the whole weekend. We are treated with unseasonably warm weather so enjoy the morning at the beach, coming back to the house for a backyard hang in the hot tub and BBQ for dinner.
Kenna is falling into about a 4 nap a day sleep schedule. Her morning nap is the easiest and most consistent. The rest is more unknown – some days are great and she has 4 neat & square naps; other days are more sporadic and spaced out. These days I feel a tinge unhinged but most nights we can anchor ourself back with a ~5/6pm nap and then off to bed for the night about 90 minutes after that.
I have my first physical therapy appointment around 12 weeks and let me tell you, all praise Maureen, my PT!!! Mentally, I feel so much better after this appointment. I was worried that I should have been healed and good to go already but Maureen (also a mom of two) was like, no no no, you are maybe 15-20% “back to normal.” She reassures me things I am experiencing are normal and, importantly, it will get better with time. I do my PT multiple times every damn day and marvel at how my body made a baby!
I’m back to work after 6 1/2 months at home with my little girl. Time will be more limited but I’m committed to recapping my leave with Kenna. What a gift to have this extended time with my new baby. What a necessity to have it to recover, heal, and stabilize (mostly).Here we go.
November
We bring our baby girl home! She’s born 5 days early and after 1 night in the hospital, we are back home with Cam; officially a family of 4. I’m on regular doses of pain meds and generally feeling pretty good.
My milk hasn’t come in by our second night home though. I can tell Kenna is hungry and ready for more substance. Mike goes out on a formula and bottle run at 2:30am while I stay home with an almost inconsolable infant. When he returns she gulps down 2 oz so fast and sleeps for 4 hours. I feel a bit sad I couldn’t provide her what she needed but mostly relieved she is full and sleeping. There’s no ego in those early days.
She doesn’t have more formula as my milk comes in the next morning. Despite finally having supply, Kenna doesn’t gain as much weight as she should have at her 2-day check up. We go back 2 more times to make sure she is eating enough. *Shoutout* to one of my bests, Lauren, who comes over with her husband during one of those appointments and watches Cam. The extra support means everything.
Getting Kenna to feed is quite the ordeal for the next few days. We get a hospital grade pump delivered to us because she has lost more than 10% of her birthweight. To get Kenna to eat, I start pumping for my “letdown” to happen with Kenna at my breast. Mike is armed with a syringe of formula to coax her into latching. On my cue, he dribbles a small amount onto the nipple shield I have to use to entice Kenna to start sucking. We do this for 2 or 3 days until she finally starts latching on her own.
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We have a family cuddle on the couch almost every day. Mike, Kenna, and I doze while Cam watches a holiday movie. Cam is getting a surplus of screen time. *Shoutout* to our neighbors who invite Cam over for a playdate to give us some time to nap. They also host us for our first home-happy-hour (parent style); Kenna naps in my arms while I munch on cheese and crackers and sip a half glass of wine.
We spend Thanksgiving at home just the four of us, since Kenna is only 10 days old. Mike makes an untraditional feast of lobster rolls, Cesar salad, and green beans. Kenna’s umbilical cord stub falls off and we don’t keep it so I feel like I should make record of the date here! I am so thankful for this little family of mine.
December
Mike’s parents come to meet Kenna! They are only here for a few days en route to Australia. My mother-in-law kindly cleans our house between baby cuddles and I am so thankful for her. Her ease with our kids and grace in also knowing what Mike and I need in these tender days is admirable. Her and Mike’s dad also sweetly walk Kenna around a local movie theater for almost 2 hours so we can take Cam to see the new Moana movie; this way Kenna is close by in case she needs a feed, but not in the loud theater with us.
Nights are still a blur of waking up basically every 2 hours. We set our alarms to be sure we never go more than 3 hours without feeding her but babygirl wakes us up on her own every time before it goes off.
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We go to a Christmas Tree lighting when Kenna is just over 2 weeks old and I can’t believe we are out at such an event with a newborn. It’s a community thing so we see a ton of friends there and it feels good to catch up. Kenna also sleeps the whole time, which makes it easy.
Mike is on the first part of his pat leave and, while Cam is at school, we catch up on chores and do a few fancy lunches while Kenna dozes in the stroller next to us. We didn’t get to do this with Cam because of lockdown. It is mostly really nice to be able to experience eating out with a tiny baby cuddled up the whole time but there is a part of me that is nervous when we’re forced inside because of cold weather… Will crowds always kind of freak me out (covid trauma)?
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One particularly fun morning includes coffees at Santana Row and stumbling upon the amazing family room there, complete with plush swivel chairs, a big screen TV with cartoons (for older kids), separate smaller rooms with sinks, a changing area, and a comfortable chair to feed your baby. We hang out in a feeding room for 30 minutes, drinking our coffees and making plans to come back with Cam later.
We decorate the Christmas tree that afternoon and hang our four embroidered stockings. Mike had the foresight to order Kenna’s in advance; locking us in on the decision of her name with that $30 stocking purchase. 😉
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At 4 weeks we introduce the bottle to Kenna. She takes it right away and I get back a small about of flexibility now that she doesn’t need me to eat every time. She still only drinks breastmilk so I pump and Mike feeds her. I’m able to go on a 3 hour (!) coffee date with some of my new mom friends while our older ones are at a holiday camp. The conversation is so real and lovely. Friends get your through.
*Shoutout* to my bests, Leslie and Lauren, who also offer to watch Kenna AND Cam so Mike and I can go on a date. We walk to our favorite place for a drink, knowing our littles are safe with two of my oldest and dearest friends.
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Around this time, I decide to wean myself from pain meds as well, thinking I am mostly recovered. Everything I read online – as well as advice I get from my doctor – says that 4-6 weeks after a vaginal delivery you are back in action.
Um. Sadly this was not the case at all for me. I’m in an almost constant state of discomfort, often breaking down and crying to Mike.
“Why am I still in this amount of pain?” “How was a c-section a better, faster, smoother recovery?” “Will this ever go away?”
I am convinced the lack of sleep of newborn life is stalling my healing but there really isn’t another road to take. I need to feed her. Around this time, Kenna’ has her’s longest wake window is from ~6pm – 10pm. She is very fussy for these hours and eventually goes to sleep when we do. Mike and I are haggard, asking each other, “she has to be tired now, right?” After whatever magical combination of sush’ing and rocking works on any given night, we get a solid 5 hours of glorious sleep before she wakes up for a quick feed around 3am. Then, with the magic of the snoo swaying her back to sleep, we get another 2 or 3 hours.
Sometimes we take shifts in trying to put her to sleep. Usually I can’t sleep with the TV on but exhaustion overrides old preferences. Mike and I watch Red One in parts; the first half together; the second half just me, awake with Kenna while Mike sleeps and then vice-versa. We tell each other how far we got as we nudge the other one awake. “My turn to sleep.”
Christmas day creeps closer and we take Kenna to meet my whole family. We’re so tired. Kenna sleeps while being cuddled by various family members (all in masks because again, covid trauma?). Cam gets a million presents. It’s overwhelming and wonderful.
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We ring in the new year at a friend’s house just down the street, counting down with Nova Scotia because everyone has kids to get in bed!
My mat leave is coming to an end. Kenna is 6 months and Mike and I have been married for six years this month. All great reasons to spend a week in Hawaii if you ask me!
The beautiful Aulani
I heard on a podcast that traveling with a baby is like throwing a party; there is a ton of prep and a ton of clean up but it’s worth it. I adopted this as my guiding light leading up to our first trip with babygirl Kenna. Packing was encompassing (unpacking still isn’t complete). We weren’t sure how she would do on the plane for five hours and since there’s really nothing you can do once you’re in the air, we were a bit fretful. Amazingly, she – and Cam – crushed both flights. Kenna napped 3 times on the way there and Cam watched movies basically the whole time.
That feeling of looking down at the bright blue ocean mixed with streaks of teal and wakes from boaters as you descend onto any Hawaiian island is hard to match. We stayed at the Aulani, the Disney resort, on O’ahu for the second time. Happily when we arrived our room was ready. Yay! It was time for a quick change into our suits and a dip in the pool.
The time change is 3 hours behind California which meant at 3pm Kenna was ready for bed. Yikes. I took her on a walk to the store across the street to stock up on some basics and to strategically have her fall asleep with a surefire way to wake up – when the stroller stopped moving. This worked pretty well as she made it to 4:30pm local time before going to bed for the night, after her walking catnap. Cam followed a bit later while Mike and I treated ourselves to welcome cocktails and dinner on the patio.
Kenna woke up at 3:30am the next morning! This wouldn’t have been so bad (6:30am for us) if coffee was available at that time but, for good reason, nothing was open until 6am. Finally when the cafes started to open we got coffee and pastries from the Four Seasons next door, a morning tradition that would continue for the next 5 days.
My boy!
Kenna and daddy playing in the waves
We went to the beach after and it still remains the best beach I’ve visited for kids. It is absolutely stunning, the water is warm, and the waves are manageable. Kenna lasted ~30 minutes before Mike took her back for a nap. Our room was luckily on the ground floor, which made nap time accessibility much easier.
Cam and I stayed at the beach and I mentally challenged myself to play a game of “yes to everything.” Meaning whatever he wanted to do I would say yes to. There we sat making “beach soup” with water I had scooped from the sea. Next we dug a river in the sand to the ocean. Open-ended play like that isn’t my strength so I actually found it a lot easier to let Cam lead 100%. We had a great morning on the beach together and it wasn’t even 9am. Ha.
Mike did a fitness class next while I took the kids to a small splash pad, something that seemed within reason for me to do with both of them solo around water. There we snacked on açaí bowls and danced around in the shallow water before Mike met back up with us.
Splash pad fun
Our meal schedule was skewed given the early wake up calls. That night we had a very early dinner across the street at Monkey Pod. Just like everyone else who visits Hawaii, the Mai Tais there are our favorite – which made it very disappointing when both of ours tasted different than we remembered from previous trips.
Mai Tai mama
Cam and I ended the day with a spin in the lazy river before both kids were asleep and Mike and I enjoyed dessert on the patio.
After our fancy Four Season’s coffee the next day (and another early wakeup call!), it was my turn for a fitness class. I did a Seaside Stretch on the beach and it wasn’t my favorite class but it was free and under the palm trees so I really can’t complain. Before I left for my class I suggested a nap for Cam when Kenna slept since he seemed to be having a hard morning. Mike got both kids to sleep and we were able to enjoy some 10am Mai Tais after my class!
Mai Tai mama and dada
We spent the afternoon alternating between pools and nap coverage back at the room. For our after-hours entertainment that night, we took shifts visiting the hot tub. What a way to end the night! Of course, we were in bed by 8pm; still not having had adjusted to the time difference.
The next morning Mike did standup paddle board yoga while me and the kids played on a blanket on the sand. It’s crazy to think Cam didn’t visit a beach until he was over a year old because of the pandemic and Kenna has had an entire beach vacation. She did pretty good but it is hard to entertain a baby at the beach. When Mike wrapped his class I flirted with the idea of going for a swim in the ocean. The water was still a bit chilly and I wasn’t particularly in the mood however there isn’t a ton of predictability when traveling with littles so I knew this could be my only chance. Who knew what tomorrow or even the rest of the day looked like?
Morning beach visits meant the beach was mostly ours!
After my swim I played “crocodile” with Cam and it was another moment for me of just tapping into fun with him. So often I won’t get in all the way in the water because it is too cold or I won’t get my hair wet because I just showered… this trip felt different. I likely won’t be this person all of the time (I really don’t like cold water!) but love the idea of some wild abandonment every once in a while; fully swimming, really playing, hair wet, sand everywhere. Let’s just have fun.
Later that day we rented a car to travel to the Dole pineapple plantation. Looking back, the cost was a bit extreme for one outing but it would have been more difficult to take a ride share with carseats, etc. The few hours we spent there was a lot of fun. We wandered through a giant maze while it drizzled on and off (Kenna’s first experience feeling rain so it was cute and funny to see her little body respond to the drops, arms and legs flailing). Then we took the Pineapple Express train to explore the plantation / let Kenna nap in Mike’s arms. We stubbled upon some pineapple bushes before heading back to the resort, which was a fun way to end our excursion.
A pineapple in the wild
That night we had our least exciting dinner; rushed take out on the patio since we were all ravenous when we got back. Cam wasn’t tired when we tired to put him to sleep so we had an extra little patio guest with us too. 🙂
🌴
We kicked off our last full day on the beach for another swim out to sea, this time with Cam joining me! We played a round of crocodile again and then Mike and I alternated taking Cam to the pool while Kenna napped. Somehow I convinced him to spend like 30 minutes in the hot tub with me during my time, which never happens. Ah, what a treat.
Midday we needed a pick me up so we ordered a round of rums and cokes for us and OJ for Cam (milk for Kenna girl!). I rarely drink soda but it was the best call; refreshing with a hint of caffeine. We tried to go back to the hot tub after but Cam’s affection had drifted. Instead we went to the pool as large gray rain clouds rolled in. Uh-oh. Mike took Kenna back for a nap when the rain started but me and Cam stayed and swam in the rainstorm. Swimming in the rain has to be one of my favorite activities. I don’t know why but it is so fun.
Cam swimming before the storm
Despite the Mai Tais not being what we remembered, Monkey Pod still has some of the best food. It was a treat that the day/nap schedule unfolded in a way that we could make it there for happy hour!
Our little pineapple
It was sad to know our vacation was coming to an end. Mike and I have been counting down the days for almost a year (in the thick of winter and newborns days, we would often look at each other and ask, “is it time for Hawaii yet?”). Before the trip I made a vow to not spend so much time fussing about tidying or meal prep. I wanted to be there and be present with Mike and the kids. I am proud of myself for letting our hotel room be in a perpetual state of chaos. We did the dishes and threw our dirty clothes in the same general direction, but aside from that, sunscreen and hats, toys and shoes were everywhere all of the time. This is very unlike me and how I like to exist in my environment but committing to this challenge allowed for space to get out of the hotel on time, enjoy more of my family’s company, and really tap into vacation mode.
A rainy, cloudy last night didn’t bother us
On our last day, we had the morning to spend doing our favorite things one more time. We got coffee and pastries at the Four Seasons. I was supposed to do another Seaside Stretch but got the time wrong and almost accidentally did a bootcamp (when I saw the medicine balls instead yoga mats I quickly inquired and then got out of there before anyone asked me to do a squat or a burpee). We pushed Kenna’s “wake window” to the limits and spun around the lazy river multiple times. Cam and I walked to get French toast, bacon, and açaí bowls to bring back and enjoy on the patio. I did a patio yoga sesh with beach towels stacked as a makeshift mat to makeup for my missed class. Mike was able to take Cam to the water play structure that was closed our whole visit until that morning and Cam went down the waterslide over and over again.
Then it was time to shower the last sand off of us and pack our things. The trip was an absolute dream (although, to be candid, it wasn’t all sunshine and pineapples on the way home – Kenna had a blowout before our flight and we left her milk on the plane).
We can’t wait to visit again; to swim and play and soak each other in. A little lovely family of four.
We aren’t huge character-picture people but if we see one, we’ll stop and pose!
I don’t have the bandwidth right now to create cute posts on some of the noshes we’ve been having regularly but want to share / remember them myself. So, I’m stealing a nap session to jot down a few easy meals we’ve been enjoying:
Arugula and sugar snap pea salad – I love arugula probably the most of the lettuce fam. It is peppery, has a bite, and I feel like I get the most of it compared to other bagged lettuce. Sugar snap peas are also almost always in stock at our house. They are a quick snack and Cam loves them. Lately I’ve been combining these two top-picks with a creamy dressing (the VEGAN CREAMY DILL DRESSING from Trader Joe’s is another number one). Sometimes I’ll add some cherry toms and sliced cukes if I have them on hand or, more importantly, have the time to do so. I can see bell peppers and carrots being nice here too. Maybe some chickpeas for protein.
Sweet potato and black bean quesadillas – Cam loves black beans but interestingly seems to eat more of them when they are straight out of the can and strained vs. the leftover refrigerated ones I try to get him to eat over the next few days. This means we end up with 1/2 cans of black beans in our fridge often. The creative juices were flowing one day when I combined the leftover BBs (probably ~3/4 cup) and smashed a sweet potato I had (just peeled, chopped, boiled, and smashed the thing) with a small amount of cheddar cheese. I actually then froze this mixture and used it a few weeks later when we had tortillas. Defrosting it the night before and then scoping between 2 torts and pan frying in a bit of oil. They turned out way better than I imagined and had a boost of protein from the beans and whatever is good from sweet potatoes (vitamins? fiber?) so it wasn’t just a meal of cheese and carbs (which I can get behind too). I can see a world where I batch make the mixture and freeze as a friendly gesture for my future self to make a very quick dinner. 🙂 Also, serve with salsa and guac!
Cozy or chilled chamomile – I love Philz, the Bay Area coffee chain. There is a location walking distance from my house, you can pre-order your beverage, and I like that they use mint in some of their drinks. My afternoon go-to (when I have to avoid caffeine so I can sleep) is a medium chamomile tea with medium oat milk and medium honey, add mint please. I like this one hot or iced. Either way it cost be $6 for every cup. Usually I just spend the $6 (my credit card charges are like Philz, Philz, therapy charge, Philz, Philz, Amazon, therapy…) but I have once or twice had it so together that I’ve made a batch of this on my own and it actually tasted as good as the Philz version. In a dream state, I have a pitcher of this in my fridge at all times and people know to except a glass when they come over; with freshly picked mint from my organic herb garden (one day…!).
The yoozh
Caesar salad wraps – this is the easiest! Buy a Caesar salad kit and some wraps (I like lavash wraps), mix salad, scoop onto wraps – consider adding chicken or beans, if you’d like – and wrap it all up. Slice in half and serve. We like to eat these with chips and guac or salsa too (mmm mango salsa would be real nice)!
Goat cheese wraps with whatever veg you have – same idea here. Take your wrap of choice, spread goat cheese on it, add veg (I usually have arugula and bell peppers and have considered adding sliced turkey but get weird about lunch meat sometimes), and wrap.it.up. Bonus points for a chilled chamomile accompanying it on a warm spring day.
Goat cheese on crackers – my go-to snack right now; specifically the “ritz” crackers at Trader Joes. Ugh so good.
Mezcal and grapefruit sparkling water – I’m don’t drink a ton anymore but if I want something easy and refreshing, I pop open a spindrift grapefruit sparkling and add a shot of mezcal. I can see elevating it with maybe some muddled jalapeño and a salt or Tajin rim, garnished with cucumber maybe?
wow where did the time go? Five years ago I was nine months pregnant and we were on the cusp of the covid pandemic. We weren’t wearing masks everywhere we went just yet (remember in the beginning when the advice was to save PPE for first responders?) but we were staying home to “flatten the curve.” THANKFULLY Mike was able to be my side for Cam’s entire birth – even stepping out for a burger and fries after we made our way to the recovery room (again Cam was born in the very early stages of the pandemic when hospitals weren’t having you isolate once you checked in, etc) – but, sadly, no one else was able to meet our little baby in person.
It’s hard to wrap my mind around him being this small!
When my mat leave ended in September 2020 my mom joined “our bubble” and watched Cam 3 days a week while Mike and I worked from home. On the days she wasn’t there we alternated hours with Cam, surviving on caffeine and context switching (I might not ever forget making last minute tweaks to an Audit Committee deck while changing a diaper and trying to entertain Cam – what a time). We rallied like this for an entire year; enjoying one family trip to Tahoe to celebrate our 2 year wedding anniversary right after Mike and I were vaccinated, feeling lucky for a layer of protection. Finally. (Cam also should have gotten antibodies through breastfeeding.)
A silver lining during the pandemic was how much extra time we got to spend with Cam and that my mom was able to watch him for a whole year – which would have never been feasible in “normal” (pre-pandemic) times
When Cam was a year and a half, we flew to Canada for Cam to meet Mike’s family. Mike’s parents flew back with us and we all huddled in our small 2 bedroom home for 6 months to keep Cam out of school as long as possible.
First flight!
Nana and Papa coming home with us!
The month before Cam turned two, he started at a Montessori school. I still feel lucky that they let us tour the school before his first day and let us actually walk in for drop off and pick up. I know others who had to part with their babies at the door of a place they had never been inside.
In April 2022 Cam got covid, after being at his school for 2 months. We isolated with him but were already vaccinated and actually never ended up getting it ourselves. Cam couldn’t get vaccinated yet but luckily his symptoms were mild. Shout out to my mom and one of my besties, Lauren, for bringing us groceries during those 14 days at home. The next month we returned to Tahoe for our second family trip there.
Tests on tests on tests
The one possible good thing about Cam getting covid was, we theorized, based on research we read (since we all become medical professionals during those years) he probably built up antibodies before we traveled to Spain (!) that summer. When we got back, Cam was finally vaccinated and we just had a really fun summer with friends who all had kids around the same age and lived on the same street.
our crew that summer!
We traveled back to Canada in Fall and covid felt mostly over by then. What a relief.
We took a trip to Hawaii to kick off 2023 and then celebrated Cam’s third birthday in Disneyland. It was a lucky year because we went back to Hawaii (and then Tahoe for year 3) a few months later. When we were in Tahoe that year, Mike and I decided we wanted another baby; a sibling for Cam!
That Fall we visited Vancouver and a few months later I was pregnant with Kenna (after another quick trip to Hawaii)! Before her arrival, we spent a day in Disney and went back to Toronto to spend time with family. Cam started TK after a mini staycation and we headed south again to visit Legoland.
For the past few months we’ve been hunkered down, getting into the rhythm of a family of four. Cam is the best big brother. He is so sweet and caring, always saying he wants to cuddle with Kenna and asking where she is. He has established himself at his new school and it’s been so fun to see him grow. Most days he says something that makes me lol for real. I love his wit and sense of humor, the way he sees the world, and how purely sweet he is. He doesn’t seem to be caught up in what other kids think of him too much, which I admire and hope it takes him far. He loves cars (still. always.), riding bikes with daddy, playdates with friends, DEEP baths, the pool (unless it is for swim lessons, yikes), mac n cheese, and all TREATS. He has this cute little laugh when he gets excited; alternates between shy and adventurous; and is just a really good kid. We are so happy he is our little dude.
To capture a snapshot of what he is like right now, I “interviewed” him last night during bath:
What was your favorite part of your birthday? Eating cheese puffs. (This is something he does everyday)
What is your favorite thing to do at school? Doing art.
What is your favorite thing to learn at school? Where do cracks come from. (Not sure about this one ha but intentionally quoted the slightly bad grammar of his response because, even though I know we are supposed to correct it, it’s so cute to me how he curates sentences. Another favorite Cam-ism is when he calls me and Mike “my mommy” and “my daddy”)
If you could eat one thing all day everyday for a week what would it be? Mac n’ cheese.
What is your favorite book? Pete the Cat.
What if your favorite movie? The Polar Express.
What is your favorite sport? Basketball.
What is your least favorite food? Cheese. (Ignore that his favorite food is mac n’ cheese)
What do you want to learn how to do? How to ride my bike with pedals. (This is good because the “pedal fairy” is coming to our house. As she does, when kids turn five.)
What’s your favorite TV Show? Magic School Bus.
What are your favorite activities? To build.
What is your favorite thing to do with Kenna? Say “hi Kenna.”
What is your favourite thing to do with Daddy? Play cars with him.
What is your favorite thing to do with Mommy? Cuddle with her hair. (To elaborate, when we cuddle in the morning or at night, I flip my hair onto his pillow and he lays his little head down on my hair. It feels like one of those things that he will eventually stop doing out of nowhere and I will miss how close it made our cuddles (my head is literally right near his with little ability to move without pulling my hair haha))
When I was pregnant with Cam I recapped my first, second, and third trimesters but in stereotypical form, I couldn’t quite find the time to post during my pregnancy with Kenna. However with pictures from my phone as reminders of the nine months, I’ve jotted down a bit about each trimester to look back on. 🙂
First trimester
I found out I was pregnant on St. Patrick’s Day, days before Cam’s 4th birthday. I didn’t get my period that morning so l took a test in the afternoon, since we were trying for baby #2. Like finding out I was pregnant with Cam, it felt so sweet and special to know I had a little one starting to grow instead me.
My in-laws arrived shortly after to celebrate Cam’s birthday. Mike and I decided we weren’t going to tell anyone about the pregnancy until we had our first scan; which meant I had to hide being pregnant from Mike’s parents! I obviously wasn’t drinking, which I don’t think raised too many questions since our family knew we were trying for a second baby. But I was sure that passing on hot tubbing at the airbnb we were staying at for Cam’s bday would give me away. I stuck to the excuse that I forgot my bathing suit (although if I wasn’t pregnant and that had happened, I probably would have just gone in with a sports bra and shorts or something, so I’m sure it was suspicious… ha).
“forgot my bathing suit”
As far as symptoms go, I happily didn’t have any morning sickness but did have this terrible taste in my mouth constantly. I was, as expected, extremely tired and slept like 9-10 hours a night in those early weeks. I also had breast soreness and a heightened sense of smell. All pretty much exactly how I felt when I was pregnant 4 years earlier with Cam. But unfortunately I also experienced something new this time around…
5 weeks in I started spotting. I will never forget the feeling of seeing that streak of blood for the first time. I was worried to the point of feeling like I had to throw up but all I could do was wait and hope the spotting would eventually stop. Luckily, eventually, it did. I remember taking Cam to Kids Day at my work and going all day without any blood. What a relief. …Kind of. I didn’t bleed anymore during my pregnancy but I’m not exaggerating when I say every single time I peed for the next 7 months, I was scared of seeing blood when I wiped. Every Sunday was a relief as it was another week we’d successfully made it. Particularly in the first trimester when I was, I think, the most desperate to make it to the next trimester.
pool party!
Towards the end of my first trimester we had a family pool party. I felt like I was already showing so had to figure out how to hide my little bump in a bathing suit. Basically I just got in the pool as quickly as possible. I think everyone there had an idea that I was pregnant!
I had a work off-site the last week of my first trimester, which is usually a time for cocktails with colleagues after long hours of meetings. Of course it was mocktails for me! I was in Encinitas at the beautiful Alila for 3 days and while there, I got the test results on if we were having a boy or a girl. It was so hard to sit on them until I was back home with Mike! I flew back late so we ended up opening the email the next morning and reading the results together in bed. No trendy cake and champagne glass cut through for us! But it was so special – and exciting!! – finding out we were having a girl right there in bed.
baby GIRL!
That same morning we had our 12 week scan. Before every scan I would get really worried that something was wrong so it was nerve wracking for me. Happily our baby girl was healthy and thriving. We have the sweetest video of this scan with her jumping and squirming all around. I must have watched it 100 times that afternoon on our drive up to Tahoe to celebrate our anniversary!
We love celebrating our anniversary in Tahoe – a special place to us for many reasons; one being it’s where Cam learned to walk in 2021 and also, now, where we told him he was having a little sister!!!
mocktails on mocktails
We slowly started sharing our special news with the rest of our family, cautiously hopeful now that we’d made it to the second trimester.
Second trimester
We went camping early on in the second trimester. It was nice to be able to tell people I was pregnant instead of making up excuses why I wasn’t drinking. I also started telling people at work, which was a relief because of the already-mentioned baby bump I had! I was getting to a point where finding anything to wear that kind of hid it was getting hard.
Disney magic
Notably we also went to Disneyland early on in my second trimester! Ah, I loved this trip and Cam was the perfect age to go while pregnant because he still rode relatively low key rides. Planning this vacation seemed like it was edging on outrageous – one single day in Disney!? – but it was definitely a highlight of our summer and I’m so happy we did it.
Another highlight that I hope to always remember was one June afternoon when I picked up Cam early from school because my work was slow. We spent some time in the backyard in the “hot” tub; reduced to a kid and pregnant friendly 97 degrees. And then went inside for crafts when it randomly started to rain big juicy drops. A summer rain in California is rare. I think some power knew it was a special afternoon for us and decided to give us some freak weather to remember it all.
a special afternoon out of school, crafting
I did a lot of yoga, just like when I was pregnant with Cam, during this pregnancy but for some reason couldn’t manage to walk as much. I had to reduce my daily mile walk to only a few blocks. I would just get so tired. I also started to get the most painful leg cramps in the middle of the night, something I hadn’t experienced while being pregnant with Cam.
We were able to travel to Canada to spend time with Mike’s family around 20 weeks. I posted about our trip but still hadn’t mentioned our pregnancy online so was strategic about the pictures shared. 🙂
We took weekly bump pics with Cam but I only snapped a few bathroom ones the second time around. If I’m being real, this was more about being nervous and scared something bad was looming than it was about time. It’s weird how we do that, right? How superstitious we can get about things like it might actually have any impact of the outcome… Anyways. I’m glad I do have a few mirror bump photos to show of this pregnancy.
baby bump ❤
In August we took a trip to Sonoma to celebrate Cam finishing preschool! The next week he started TK and I remember how incredibly hot the next few weeks were. Not very comfortable for a very pregnant lady!
first day of school!
The day before I entered the third trimester, we celebrated Mike’s 40th birthday with a Hawaiian themed bocce bash. The bump was in full display while we partied with friends and family. It felt so good to be so close to the final chapter of my pregnancy – only a few more months to meeting her!
Mike’s 40th
Third trimester
Around the third trimester I started having the most intense lower back pain. It was this pinching feeling that was almost constant. Ugh. I really capitalized on my pregnancy pampering at this point and had Mike give me nightly massages! Yoga also helped a bit but it was harder to move everyday with my expanding belly.
fam couch cuddles
that point where you wear mostly your husband’s clothes…
Mike took a boys trip to Vegas mid September, leaving me and Cam to adventure just the two of us one weekend. One of my best friends came over for a sleepover one of the nights, complete with coffees (for us) and pastries the next morning (ah, looking back it seems almost too easy to get out of the house with only one kid ha). Then, despite the heat, Cam and I spent the afternoon at Happy Hallow. We came home for dinner and a movie together. It was special time to spend together given how soon we were about to become a family of four!
For a last trip just the 3 of us, we took Cam to Legoland and had a blast in Southern CA for the weekend! I am looking forward to Kenna being older and taking them both there (as well as Disneyland).
The women in my family threw me a nice brunch baby sprinkle in early October. We were down to the final weeks before my due date at this point! Suddenly it was Halloween and then we were in November, the month baby would arrive (also when I celebrated my 35th birthday)!
baby sprinkle
.
In early November, on a whim, we took a morning trip to our favorite beach. Now that we have our little Kenna, still under 3 months, and it is very logistical to even go get a cup of coffee, I am glad we were able to get down to the sea for a last splash for a while!
The last ~2 weeks before my due date, I started picking up Cam from school vs. sending him to extended care and taking him on little dates. I will absolutely always treasure these times we had together however, looking back, I think it may have added to the abrupt shift Cam must have felt not being the only child anymore… Suddenly we went from extra time with mommy to essentially all shared time with me. If I had to do it again, I wouldn’t give up the extra time together but I would have talked with him more about how this was a special time before some big changes in our family.
ice cream date
As I set my maternity OOO, Mike and I were also able to get some extra time together, going to lunch everyday the week before Kenna arrived.
mommy & daddy lunch date
We’re now 7 weeks postpartum (another post on that coming …eventually) and slowly getting into some kind of swing around here. I missed my baby bump for the first time the other day which is a weird mix of emotions. I first felt Kenna move around 14 weeks and felt her flutter around every day for the rest of my pregnancy. She was such an active baby in the belly, always moving and twirling. I loved feeling her groove in there.
My second pregnancy was a bit harder but aside from the early spotting (which was very scary!), it was joyous. How beautiful to grow a little baby. I feel incredibly happy to have our Kenna girl earthside.
bumping ❤
Cam’s baby shower 4 years ago (fun fact: I wore the same dress at Kenna’s)
Our little girl is here! I wrote about Cam’s birth story when he was born and love being able to go back and read it. Here we are for round two. Fair warning, this is a long one so settle in. 🙂
I had a c-section with Cam because he was breech, which meant I was eligible for a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) for my second pregnancy. Since I wanted a natural childbirth with Cam 4 years ago, you would think this was welcome news but I actually found it difficult to have options and to have to make the decision. On one hand, I knew what to expect with a c-section (appealing) but on the other, it is a major surgery that doesn’t come without risks. However, a vaginal delivery- especially after a c-section – had it’s own set of risks to consider… Plus the outcome was far less predictable; would I end up needing a c-section anyway? what about tearing? forceps? could I really do it without an epidural?
Going into my last doctor’s appointment, I was 51% ready to proceed with a c-section. And then I found out I was already 2 cm dilated and fully effaced. My doctor also gave me a boost of confidence saying I was an ideal candidate for a VBAC and she truly thought it would be successful. And, she added, ultimately a VBAC was less risky. Okay, decision made. My goal was to have a vaginal delivery without an epidural.
Leaving that appointment, armed with the information that I had a “1% chance of making it to my due date,” given how far along I already was, I was sure this baby was coming any day. No, any hour. I was actually still working until that Friday but wanted to get everything in order in case she came early. I spent the rest of Monday and Tuesday wrapping things up and setting my mat leave OOO. And then… I waited. Mostly on the couch watching Netflix. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday… still no baby. (This did give me and Mike the opportunity to get in some last lunch dates while Cam was at school!) Saturday… Sunday… nothing. Monday, a week after my doctor’s appointment and still not in labor or any sign of it, aside from some mild period like cramping. Hm. Before we went to sleep that night I told Mike the doctor was probably wrong and I thought I would make it to my due date after all. Famous last words…
At 12:50am on Tuesday, I woke up with more intense cramping than I had been feeling that whole week. Mike started tracking contractions to see if this was the “real thing” but I knew it was. My contractions were all over the place – some lasted minutes, others seconds; some were close together and others like 10 minutes apart. One thing was for sure though, despite being ad hoc, they were getting more and more intense.
I decided to get in the bath to try to ease the pain. I spent about 90 minutes in there while we called the hospital and my mom to come over and stay with Cam. I remember thinking how painful this was but looking back, that part of labor was a cakewalk.
My mom arrived around 3am, Mike gave her instructions on what to do the next morning to get Cam to school, and we were off to the hospital.
After being admitted into triage, we found out I was already 7 cm dilated. Great news! At this point I was feeling really nauseous and overwhelmed with all of the questions, poking, and people coming in and out of the room. Plus, the nurse who was trying to put in my IV casually told me, “oops, I just blew an artery.” Ugh. I am very squeamish around needles and hearing that threw me over the edge. As they were wheeling me to the labor and delivery room, I stared throwing up. Real cute. And it only got cuter.
Once in the room, another nurse inserted an IV in my other arm without any incident or pain. So thankful. Someone else asked me about my birth plan, which I had forgot to submit to my doctor ahead of time… Basically though, I didn’t want an epidural – given above mentioned fear of needles – but if there was something to take the edge off another way, I was all for it. Enter fentanyl in my IV.
Ah, what a relief. A few moments of less pain. My contractions became way more manageable, just small waves of mild cramping. Mike and I were even able to take a little nap at this point. And with the room as dimly lit it was, dare I say, a bit relaxing.
Oh, what a turn things were about to take…
Around 6am, the doctor came in to check my cervix. I was still about 7 cm and my water hadn’t broken. Ugh. She offered to break it to move things along. I asked if it hurt and she assured me it didn’t. I agreed, wanting to keep things progressing. All of the sudden there was a seemingly never ending flow of liquid. I felt like I was constantly peeing myself, despite the nurses regularly changing out the bedding and towels under me. (Sorry if TMI.)
Once the doctor left from breaking my water, the nurse informed me, “I didn’t want to say anything with the doctor in here but while the procedure doesn’t hurt… labor gets a lot more intense after your water breaks.” Cool.
By this point the pain meds were wearing off (of course) and it was recommended not to get another dose as not to make the baby sleepy. In retrospect, I’m glad I didn’t know things were about to get so intense or I might have opted not to proceed with breaking my water. However, I can’t overstate the pain contractions suddenly took on. It was the most severe amount of pressure I’ve ever felt.
At one point I asked to get in the shower, hoping for anything to relieve the pain. But, because I had a c-section with Cam, this technically wasn’t allowed since the baby had to be under constant monitoring as a precaution. Cameryn, our nurse – who, because I went into labor in the morning, was with me through the whole day/labor, which was a gift – mentioned I had been using the restroom without monitoring, so a quick shower should be okay.
“Please, please, please!” I literally begged the doctor.
“Okay,” she reluctantly started to agree, “but do you understand there is a risk being off the monitor?”
“I do,” I replied, probably already bolting to the bathroom but knowing to my core that the baby was going to be okay for those 5 minutes in the shower.
The water was a relief but it was coupled with the sudden urge to push. Ugh, I always heard about this in movies and stories and now here I was experiencing it. Suddenly I needed to get out of the shower and back on the bed.
Now feels like a good time to highlight Mike in this whole experience. He was by my side the ENTIRE birth (looking back, I don’t think he even used the restroom himself or had a sip of water during the whole thing). It makes me a bit emotional even as writing this to think of him standing outside the shower – ready with a towel or whatever I needed – and just being such a steady presence. If roles were reversed, I think it would be difficult for me to be as calm, collected, and supportive as he was.
Back in the bed, I thought I had to be 10 cm dilated at this point. The urge to push was just so intense. The nurses were calling doctors for someone to come check but everyone was in a delivery. This didn’t sound …ideal. Eventually a midwife came to check and honestly here is where everything starts to get a bit hazy.
I vaguely remember her checking my cervix and screaming in pain. I’m not sure why that time hurt that bad but I was only 8 cm dilated. Fuck. For the next hour (maybe?) I rode out the contractions by changing positions, based on the midwife’s recommendation, screaming, and literally shaking in pain. I know at multiple points I whimpered, “I can’t do this, I can’t do this.” To which that amazing nurse who was with me all day would reply, “you can! You are so strong! You got this!” Honestly this wasn’t that encouraging in the moment but it did seem to get me through, so I’m thankful.
Finally I got the go-ahead to start pushing. Yes, I thought! Here we go. One push in though and I was like, nooooo. This sucks even more.
I spent the next ~50 minutes pushing for 3 counts of 8 every contradiction I had, except the one I missed because of utter exhaustion (“okay, we’ll let that one go” I remember the midwife saying). For every push I was instructed to hold onto my legs and pull with my arms and elbows out wide, focusing all my energy ~down there~. I always knew when I had a “good” push because it was so painful. Which meant I didn’t want to do it again. I’m pretty sure there were a good number of pushes that didn’t move anything along. In between pushing I would collapse, actually falling asleep at some points. And then another contraction would come and I would have to push, somehow willing my body to act when my brain screaming, not again! This is too much!
Sporadically after pushes they would tell me a progress report. “Great job, we can see this much of her head!” “Amazing one, a bit more of her head out this time.” I asked if her head went back in every time? They told me it did.
“What?!” I was shocked. “She is literally never going to come out with this design…”Everyone assured me she would.
And then, miraculously, magically, after an unassuming push (but actually very assuming because pushing is the most painful), SHE WAS HERE. A slimy little curled up bundle of love placed on my chest. And oh how sweet it was.
She didn’t cry at first but no one seemed worried about it – expect me, frantically asking once I realized, “why isn’t she crying?!” Seconds later we heard her wail. Relief. She was here. I did it.
Next up was delivering the placenta. Which, thankfully, was out in one small push. Then came the next terror of my story… stitches for tearing. I won’t go into deep detail on the internet but I ended up with a second-degree tear. Which I don’t think would have been too bad except I had to go into the operating room to fix my stitches after the midwife tried with no success to stitch me up.
Anyways! Moving on.
After the OR, I was reunited with Mike and our girl. We spent the next few hours sending pictures to family and friends and filling up on hospital sandwiches. Yum. Eventually we were transferred into our room, where we settled in until discharge the following day.
As with Cam, these hours were filled with lots of nurse visits (one in particular I actually remembered from when Cam was born 4 years ago!), scattered sleep for all 3 of us, desperate attempts for drops of colostrum (liquid gold), mediocre food, and, most importantly, falling in love with Kenna.
We video chatted with my mom and Cam a few times and he seemed mostly unfazed about now having a little sister. My mom reported back that he wanted her name to be Miles, from the Spidey team, which we got a good laugh from.
The next day we were told we could go home if we wanted. Yes, please! After our final tests – and getting my IV out; always a highlight! – Mike went to pick up Cam early from school so he could meet Kenna in the hospital.
Officially a family of four. What a dream come true. ♥️♥️♥️♥️
I had such mixed feelings on the drive home. On one hand, I was thrilled to be going home and, of course, to be with Cam again (!) but on the other, I was anxious to be leaving the safety of the hospital; cocooned in a little room with medical professionals just a red button call away.
Kenna is 3 weeks today and every day is getting a bit easier. Eventually I’ll do another entry about the postpartum experience this time around (and probably one about my pregnancy in general!). But overall, I’ve experienced a lot of mixed feelings like I did on the drive home from the hospital. I’m trying to soak in every second of Kenna being a newborn while also still being involved in Cam’s world. There is an almost always push and pull with these feelings; who do I give my attention to? how do I escape the guilt no matter what I decided?
I’m also trying hard to not get overwhelmed by housework and everything that feels like it needs to be done. Resisting the urge to clean and tidy isn’t my strong suit. However I know, in retrospect, dirty dishes won’t matter but being full of Cam and Kenna love and cuddles will.
Which, speaking of, ugh, newborn (and 4 year old) cuddles truly are the best! Kenna is such a sweet baby. She’s absolutely gorgeous with a full head of dark hair, almond shape eyes, and a perfectly shaped little face. I find myself just staring at her throughout the day (and night and early morning hours… haha) absolutely obsessed. We’re all so in love with her.
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