Tag: life

Mat leave [May – last month]

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I had a tentative goal to finish my mat leave roundup posts around the time Mike went back to work from his leave or before summer was over. We’ve blown past these two things! Cam is now a big kindergartner and Kenna has actually started at her own little school/day care. She’s 9.5 months (which feels like a big deal to be bc of the whole 9 months in / 9 months out trend) and I have other things to post about, like our trip to Tahoe, Toronto, and Napa, but I know I’ll want to come back and read about my final month of maternity leave ever!!! So with my shorthand notes and pictures on my phone as a guide…. Let’s go back.

May

My last month of leave with my baby girl!! Unlike with Cam, when I go back to work, Mike starts his leave so I feel mostly comfort knowing he will be with her everyday and she isn’t going straight to school just yet. (Cam also didn’t go to daycare at this point but we were still in covid so my mom was able to “join our bubble” and watch him at our house, which I absolutely loved.)

We have a trip to Hawaii to look forward to in the middle of the month but until then, I am soaking in my lazy days at home with Kenna. The days blurb together in a way but somehow the weekends are still treasured. Even though I’m not working, there’s still that Friday feeling, you know?

Kenna continues going to PT once a month.. Between Kenna crying and her Physical Therapist hustling through what feels like hundreds of exercises to do daily, I find the sessions completely overwhelming. This babygirl does not seem to be interested in rolling over but physically she is able to do it.

It’s hard to believe I’m going back to work in a few short weeks! The ~6 months away have been a journey. My recovery wasn’t as straightforward as I thought it would be and that caused a lot of frustration, tears, and worry. Breastfeeding was a bit touch and go but we mostly maintained our rhythm. There were certainly a few dreadfully tired nights – the hardest being when she just wouldn’t go to sleep at all – but they were few and far, which I’m so thankful for. Sleep is >

Kenna and I spent a good amount of time on the couch – her sleeping soundly in my arms, me watching episode after episode trying not to move much. These endless hours of TV time depict something that happens often in parenthood that I am never quite ready for… something that completely consumes your days can suddenly vanish without warning, leaving you missing those days forevermore. I think most of the time this phenomenon is talked about with cuddles, bedtime stories, and other sentimental things but I might cry if I think about all of those! So here is a list of the shows/movies we watched 🙂

  • Ballers – Mike and I watched this one right when we got home from the hospital; there is just something about “the show” you watch in those newborn days (do I feel like Dwyane Johnson was in the trenches with me this time around? …maybe).
  • Glamorous on Netflix – this series was so cute. I can’t believe I hadn’t watched it before. Also Kim Cattrall? Icon.
  • The Six Triple Eight with Kerry Washington – loved this story.
  • Joy on Netflix – also a good story.
  • Rewatched Bethenny Getting Married? and Bethenny Ever After – this is revealing a lot about me but I’ll own it; (1) I love shows from that first decade of reality TV, like Laguna Beach and Newlyweds, because they don’t feel as trashy (2) I like Bethenny! Mike makes fun of me for this but he’s dealt with it for over a decade now (The Big Shot with Bethenny was another one I loved)
  • The Americas narrated by Tom Hanks – I love a good nature documentary.

Overall, during my leave, wins for me felt like:

  • a made bed (preferably early on in the day)
  • staying on top of the dishes throughout the day, or at least having them all in the sink
  • having “French dinner music” playing in rooms throughout the house, Taylor Swift and Noah Kahn were also big hits
  • HAVING THE WINDOWS OPEN!!!! I can’t stand being in a house with the windows closed, esp when I’m in it almost 24/7
  • Getting out on a walk (extra points for the “long loop” but I was happy with anything really – done is better than perfect, right?)

It was hard when:

  • the house was a mess and ! was thinking more about what had to be cleaned than being present with my kids
  • I already talked a lot about this but the pain and healing was just so challenging
  • little things like my glasses being dirty or my hair being in my face would agitiate me SO much while I was breastfeeding and not able to move freely (it was like a crash course in embodiment sometimes!)
  • days were my supply dipped, even though I had a stash of frozen breastmilk and sd=he took formula from 3 months

A few closing notes… I found myself comparing this journey to Cam’ being a’s newborn days a lot, particularly when it came to my body and what is was doing. Maybe this is normal, maybe it’s torture?

The support we received in those early days/weeks was so cherished. Especially all of the food friends delivered that trailed on through Christmas. We were so grateful for every single meal.

Overwhelming my months with Kenna were just so incredibly precious. I’ll always treasure the weeks that it was just us during the workweek. Lazy jammy mornings. Long walks. Cuddles. Her laughs and lightning-fast movements. Her interest in things; her quiet way of taking in the world around her. Her little smirk. Every picture and video I have of this time is cherished and will be browsed upon often. It is so true that they are only that small for a blink.

MY GIRL!

Read about [Nov + Dec] here, [Jan + Feb] here, and [Mar + Apr] here.

Mat leave [Nov + Dec]

Published on by ashley@vegvibesLeave a comment

I’m back to work after 6 1/2 months at home with my little girl. Time will be more limited but I’m committed to recapping my leave with Kenna. What a gift to have this extended time with my new baby. What a necessity to have it to recover, heal, and stabilize (mostly). Here we go.

November

We bring our baby girl home! She’s born 5 days early and after 1 night in the hospital, we are back home with Cam; officially a family of 4. I’m on regular doses of pain meds and generally feeling pretty good.

My milk hasn’t come in by our second night home though. I can tell Kenna is hungry and ready for more substance. Mike goes out on a formula and bottle run at 2:30am while I stay home with an almost inconsolable infant. When he returns she gulps down 2 oz so fast and sleeps for 4 hours. I feel a bit sad I couldn’t provide her what she needed but mostly relieved she is full and sleeping. There’s no ego in those early days.

She doesn’t have more formula as my milk comes in the next morning. Despite finally having supply, Kenna doesn’t gain as much weight as she should have at her 2-day check up. We go back 2 more times to make sure she is eating enough. *Shoutout* to one of my bests, Lauren, who comes over with her husband during one of those appointments and watches Cam. The extra support means everything.

Getting Kenna to feed is quite the ordeal for the next few days. We get a hospital grade pump delivered to us because she has lost more than 10% of her birthweight. To get Kenna to eat, I start pumping for my “letdown” to happen with Kenna at my breast. Mike is armed with a syringe of formula to coax her into latching. On my cue, he dribbles a small amount onto the nipple shield I have to use to entice Kenna to start sucking. We do this for 2 or 3 days until she finally starts latching on her own.

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We have a family cuddle on the couch almost every day. Mike, Kenna, and I doze while Cam watches a holiday movie. Cam is getting a surplus of screen time. *Shoutout* to our neighbors who invite Cam over for a playdate to give us some time to nap. They also host us for our first home-happy-hour (parent style); Kenna naps in my arms while I munch on cheese and crackers and sip a half glass of wine.

We spend Thanksgiving at home just the four of us, since Kenna is only 10 days old. Mike makes an untraditional feast of lobster rolls, Cesar salad, and green beans. Kenna’s umbilical cord stub falls off and we don’t keep it so I feel like I should make record of the date here! I am so thankful for this little family of mine.

December

Mike’s parents come to meet Kenna! They are only here for a few days en route to Australia. My mother-in-law kindly cleans our house between baby cuddles and I am so thankful for her. Her ease with our kids and grace in also knowing what Mike and I need in these tender days is admirable. Her and Mike’s dad also sweetly walk Kenna around a local movie theater for almost 2 hours so we can take Cam to see the new Moana movie; this way Kenna is close by in case she needs a feed, but not in the loud theater with us.

Nights are still a blur of waking up basically every 2 hours. We set our alarms to be sure we never go more than 3 hours without feeding her but babygirl wakes us up on her own every time before it goes off.

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We go to a Christmas Tree lighting when Kenna is just over 2 weeks old and I can’t believe we are out at such an event with a newborn. It’s a community thing so we see a ton of friends there and it feels good to catch up. Kenna also sleeps the whole time, which makes it easy.

Mike is on the first part of his pat leave and, while Cam is at school, we catch up on chores and do a few fancy lunches while Kenna dozes in the stroller next to us. We didn’t get to do this with Cam because of lockdown. It is mostly really nice to be able to experience eating out with a tiny baby cuddled up the whole time but there is a part of me that is nervous when we’re forced inside because of cold weather… Will crowds always kind of freak me out (covid trauma)?

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One particularly fun morning includes coffees at Santana Row and stumbling upon the amazing family room there, complete with plush swivel chairs, a big screen TV with cartoons (for older kids), separate smaller rooms with sinks, a changing area, and a comfortable chair to feed your baby. We hang out in a feeding room for 30 minutes, drinking our coffees and making plans to come back with Cam later.

We decorate the Christmas tree that afternoon and hang our four embroidered stockings. Mike had the foresight to order Kenna’s in advance; locking us in on the decision of her name with that $30 stocking purchase. 😉

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At 4 weeks we introduce the bottle to Kenna. She takes it right away and I get back a small about of flexibility now that she doesn’t need me to eat every time. She still only drinks breastmilk so I pump and Mike feeds her. I’m able to go on a 3 hour (!) coffee date with some of my new mom friends while our older ones are at a holiday camp. The conversation is so real and lovely. Friends get your through.

*Shoutout* to my bests, Leslie and Lauren, who also offer to watch Kenna AND Cam so Mike and I can go on a date. We walk to our favorite place for a drink, knowing our littles are safe with two of my oldest and dearest friends.

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Around this time, I decide to wean myself from pain meds as well, thinking I am mostly recovered. Everything I read online – as well as advice I get from my doctor – says that 4-6 weeks after a vaginal delivery you are back in action.

Um. Sadly this was not the case at all for me. I’m in an almost constant state of discomfort, often breaking down and crying to Mike.

“Why am I still in this amount of pain?” “How was a c-section a better, faster, smoother recovery?” “Will this ever go away?”

I am convinced the lack of sleep of newborn life is stalling my healing but there really isn’t another road to take. I need to feed her. Around this time, Kenna’ has her’s longest wake window is from ~6pm – 10pm. She is very fussy for these hours and eventually goes to sleep when we do. Mike and I are haggard, asking each other, “she has to be tired now, right?” After whatever magical combination of sush’ing and rocking works on any given night, we get a solid 5 hours of glorious sleep before she wakes up for a quick feed around 3am. Then, with the magic of the snoo swaying her back to sleep, we get another 2 or 3 hours.

Sometimes we take shifts in trying to put her to sleep. Usually I can’t sleep with the TV on but exhaustion overrides old preferences. Mike and I watch Red One in parts; the first half together; the second half just me, awake with Kenna while Mike sleeps and then vice-versa. We tell each other how far we got as we nudge the other one awake. “My turn to sleep.”

Christmas day creeps closer and we take Kenna to meet my whole family. We’re so tired. Kenna sleeps while being cuddled by various family members (all in masks because again, covid trauma?). Cam gets a million presents. It’s overwhelming and wonderful.

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We ring in the new year at a friend’s house just down the street, counting down with Nova Scotia because everyone has kids to get in bed!

Kenna ready for bed!

January and February recaps coming soon…! 🙂

Hawaii 2025 (first trip as a family of four!)

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My mat leave is coming to an end. Kenna is 6 months and Mike and I have been married for six years this month. All great reasons to spend a week in Hawaii if you ask me!

The beautiful Aulani

I heard on a podcast that traveling with a baby is like throwing a party; there is a ton of prep and a ton of clean up but it’s worth it. I adopted this as my guiding light leading up to our first trip with babygirl Kenna. Packing was encompassing (unpacking still isn’t complete). We weren’t sure how she would do on the plane for five hours and since there’s really nothing you can do once you’re in the air, we were a bit fretful. Amazingly, she – and Cam – crushed both flights. Kenna napped 3 times on the way there and Cam watched movies basically the whole time.

That feeling of looking down at the bright blue ocean mixed with streaks of teal and wakes from boaters as you descend onto any Hawaiian island is hard to match. We stayed at the Aulani, the Disney resort, on O’ahu for the second time. Happily when we arrived our room was ready. Yay! It was time for a quick change into our suits and a dip in the pool.

The time change is 3 hours behind California which meant at 3pm Kenna was ready for bed. Yikes. I took her on a walk to the store across the street to stock up on some basics and to strategically have her fall asleep with a surefire way to wake up – when the stroller stopped moving. This worked pretty well as she made it to 4:30pm local time before going to bed for the night, after her walking catnap. Cam followed a bit later while Mike and I treated ourselves to welcome cocktails and dinner on the patio.

Kenna woke up at 3:30am the next morning! This wouldn’t have been so bad (6:30am for us) if coffee was available at that time but, for good reason, nothing was open until 6am. Finally when the cafes started to open we got coffee and pastries from the Four Seasons next door, a morning tradition that would continue for the next 5 days.

My boy!
Kenna and daddy playing in the waves

We went to the beach after and it still remains the best beach I’ve visited for kids. It is absolutely stunning, the water is warm, and the waves are manageable. Kenna lasted ~30 minutes before Mike took her back for a nap. Our room was luckily on the ground floor, which made nap time accessibility much easier.

Cam and I stayed at the beach and I mentally challenged myself to play a game of “yes to everything.” Meaning whatever he wanted to do I would say yes to. There we sat making “beach soup” with water I had scooped from the sea. Next we dug a river in the sand to the ocean. Open-ended play like that isn’t my strength so I actually found it a lot easier to let Cam lead 100%. We had a great morning on the beach together and it wasn’t even 9am. Ha.

Mike did a fitness class next while I took the kids to a small splash pad, something that seemed within reason for me to do with both of them solo around water. There we snacked on açaí bowls and danced around in the shallow water before Mike met back up with us.

Splash pad fun

Our meal schedule was skewed given the early wake up calls. That night we had a very early dinner across the street at Monkey Pod. Just like everyone else who visits Hawaii, the Mai Tais there are our favorite – which made it very disappointing when both of ours tasted different than we remembered from previous trips.

Mai Tai mama

Cam and I ended the day with a spin in the lazy river before both kids were asleep and Mike and I enjoyed dessert on the patio.

After our fancy Four Season’s coffee the next day (and another early wakeup call!), it was my turn for a fitness class. I did a Seaside Stretch on the beach and it wasn’t my favorite class but it was free and under the palm trees so I really can’t complain. Before I left for my class I suggested a nap for Cam when Kenna slept since he seemed to be having a hard morning. Mike got both kids to sleep and we were able to enjoy some 10am Mai Tais after my class!

Mai Tai mama and dada

We spent the afternoon alternating between pools and nap coverage back at the room. For our after-hours entertainment that night, we took shifts visiting the hot tub. What a way to end the night! Of course, we were in bed by 8pm; still not having had adjusted to the time difference.

The next morning Mike did standup paddle board yoga while me and the kids played on a blanket on the sand. It’s crazy to think Cam didn’t visit a beach until he was over a year old because of the pandemic and Kenna has had an entire beach vacation. She did pretty good but it is hard to entertain a baby at the beach. When Mike wrapped his class I flirted with the idea of going for a swim in the ocean. The water was still a bit chilly and I wasn’t particularly in the mood however there isn’t a ton of predictability when traveling with littles so I knew this could be my only chance. Who knew what tomorrow or even the rest of the day looked like?

Morning beach visits meant the beach was mostly ours!

After my swim I played “crocodile” with Cam and it was another moment for me of just tapping into fun with him. So often I won’t get in all the way in the water because it is too cold or I won’t get my hair wet because I just showered… this trip felt different. I likely won’t be this person all of the time (I really don’t like cold water!) but love the idea of some wild abandonment every once in a while; fully swimming, really playing, hair wet, sand everywhere. Let’s just have fun.

Later that day we rented a car to travel to the Dole pineapple plantation. Looking back, the cost was a bit extreme for one outing but it would have been more difficult to take a ride share with carseats, etc. The few hours we spent there was a lot of fun. We wandered through a giant maze while it drizzled on and off (Kenna’s first experience feeling rain so it was cute and funny to see her little body respond to the drops, arms and legs flailing). Then we took the Pineapple Express train to explore the plantation / let Kenna nap in Mike’s arms. We stubbled upon some pineapple bushes before heading back to the resort, which was a fun way to end our excursion.

A pineapple in the wild

That night we had our least exciting dinner; rushed take out on the patio since we were all ravenous when we got back. Cam wasn’t tired when we tired to put him to sleep so we had an extra little patio guest with us too. 🙂

🌴

We kicked off our last full day on the beach for another swim out to sea, this time with Cam joining me! We played a round of crocodile again and then Mike and I alternated taking Cam to the pool while Kenna napped. Somehow I convinced him to spend like 30 minutes in the hot tub with me during my time, which never happens. Ah, what a treat.

Midday we needed a pick me up so we ordered a round of rums and cokes for us and OJ for Cam (milk for Kenna girl!). I rarely drink soda but it was the best call; refreshing with a hint of caffeine. We tried to go back to the hot tub after but Cam’s affection had drifted. Instead we went to the pool as large gray rain clouds rolled in. Uh-oh. Mike took Kenna back for a nap when the rain started but me and Cam stayed and swam in the rainstorm. Swimming in the rain has to be one of my favorite activities. I don’t know why but it is so fun.

Cam swimming before the storm

Despite the Mai Tais not being what we remembered, Monkey Pod still has some of the best food. It was a treat that the day/nap schedule unfolded in a way that we could make it there for happy hour!

Our little pineapple

It was sad to know our vacation was coming to an end. Mike and I have been counting down the days for almost a year (in the thick of winter and newborns days, we would often look at each other and ask, “is it time for Hawaii yet?”). Before the trip I made a vow to not spend so much time fussing about tidying or meal prep. I wanted to be there and be present with Mike and the kids. I am proud of myself for letting our hotel room be in a perpetual state of chaos. We did the dishes and threw our dirty clothes in the same general direction, but aside from that, sunscreen and hats, toys and shoes were everywhere all of the time. This is very unlike me and how I like to exist in my environment but committing to this challenge allowed for space to get out of the hotel on time, enjoy more of my family’s company, and really tap into vacation mode.

A rainy, cloudy last night didn’t bother us

On our last day, we had the morning to spend doing our favorite things one more time. We got coffee and pastries at the Four Seasons. I was supposed to do another Seaside Stretch but got the time wrong and almost accidentally did a bootcamp (when I saw the medicine balls instead yoga mats I quickly inquired and then got out of there before anyone asked me to do a squat or a burpee). We pushed Kenna’s “wake window” to the limits and spun around the lazy river multiple times. Cam and I walked to get French toast, bacon, and açaí bowls to bring back and enjoy on the patio. I did a patio yoga sesh with beach towels stacked as a makeshift mat to makeup for my missed class. Mike was able to take Cam to the water play structure that was closed our whole visit until that morning and Cam went down the waterslide over and over again.

Then it was time to shower the last sand off of us and pack our things. The trip was an absolute dream (although, to be candid, it wasn’t all sunshine and pineapples on the way home – Kenna had a blowout before our flight and we left her milk on the plane).

We can’t wait to visit again; to swim and play and soak each other in. A little lovely family of four.

We aren’t huge character-picture people but if we see one, we’ll stop and pose!

Consistency is greater than Perfection

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Who doesn’t love a fresh start? A clean slate to do better than before. Another chance. A do-over, in a sense.

The start of a new year is probably the most recognized time for the fresh start/do better phenomenon. This is likely because we all experience it together.  There is a general feel of newness on January 1st that is literally global.

We are currently on the brink of May. Some people will be sticking strong to their new years resolutions and other’s will have already flat lined (the later probably more common…). I myself walk the fence between both camps. This year I wanted to focus more on living a creative, authentic life, while not getting so caught up on the end goals or letting the result take precedence over the journey. Too often I forget that I am just human and slip ups are a part of the game.

In the past, instead of making a mistake, recognizing it for what it was, and letting it be just that – a mistake that took me off path slightly – I would let it become something much bigger. I would let one single action alter days and days of progress and good behavior. Essentially, I would use my misstep as an excuse to let myself off of the hook completely.

I am slowly learning how detrimental this process is. (Remember my last post, Just Start?)

In the book Better Than Before, author Gretchen Rubin explains “the poetic justice of [a bad habit] is relentless and cruel, because the punishment for a bad habit is… the bad habit.“

For example, someone may think they were “bad” because they had one cookie. Now their diet is “ruined” and they should eat the entire box of cookies. How backwards is that?!

This is the reason I’ve  (tried to) come to think of each new day as a new start. (It sounds like such a simple statement when I write it……) If I was too tired to write one day, I try to remember there is tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new start and  I will start again then. There’s no need to wait until next Monday or the first of the month or next year, for an exaggerated example.

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I started a new job on Monday. I also didn’t plan any workouts; usually the only way they actually get done! But, instead of “writing off” the week and not doing anything, I fit in a few walks and some simple strength training when I could. Was it an ideal week of working out? Certainly not, but it was better than not doing anything at all. It is powerful to pick consistency over perfection.

Having said that, mega fresh starts (like the beginning of a new year) are still powerful tools to use as well. It’s true that every day is a new beginning and, with it, comes the opportunity to do better. However, I don’t think the novelty of a big change – and the hope for newness that is tied to it – will ever wear off.

Starting a new job is a big change that can be used to get back into the swing of good habits. For example, this past week I’ve been explaining the ways of weekatarianism to new colleagues during lunch and it’s helped me remember how vital it is to reduce meat consumption for the well-being of earth. My new start has provided reinforcement and a clean slate to start again in my journey of vegetarianism during the week because, truth be told, since Disneyland, there have been a few burgers and steak burritos for Monday – Friday dinners.

I’m learning it’s really about using every tool you can in sticking to the habits that keep you healthy and, therefore happy. Don’t let yourself get stuck in arbitrary rules of self destruction. Understand that, when it comes to good habits, consistency will pay off long before perfection. So, go have a cookie and treat yourself to a walk after 🙂

Stay tuned and eat your greens.

** Note this blog went through a rebrand and is now veg vibes; which aligns better with the direction I organically gravitated towards. It’s all about your vibe **