I’m back to work after 6 1/2 months at home with my little girl. Time will be more limited but I’m committed to recapping my leave with Kenna. What a gift to have this extended time with my new baby. What a necessity to have it to recover, heal, and stabilize (mostly). Here we go.
November
We bring our baby girl home! She’s born 5 days early and after 1 night in the hospital, we are back home with Cam; officially a family of 4. I’m on regular doses of pain meds and generally feeling pretty good.
My milk hasn’t come in by our second night home though. I can tell Kenna is hungry and ready for more substance. Mike goes out on a formula and bottle run at 2:30am while I stay home with an almost inconsolable infant. When he returns she gulps down 2 oz so fast and sleeps for 4 hours. I feel a bit sad I couldn’t provide her what she needed but mostly relieved she is full and sleeping. There’s no ego in those early days.
She doesn’t have more formula as my milk comes in the next morning. Despite finally having supply, Kenna doesn’t gain as much weight as she should have at her 2-day check up. We go back 2 more times to make sure she is eating enough. *Shoutout* to one of my bests, Lauren, who comes over with her husband during one of those appointments and watches Cam. The extra support means everything.
Getting Kenna to feed is quite the ordeal for the next few days. We get a hospital grade pump delivered to us because she has lost more than 10% of her birthweight. To get Kenna to eat, I start pumping for my “letdown” to happen with Kenna at my breast. Mike is armed with a syringe of formula to coax her into latching. On my cue, he dribbles a small amount onto the nipple shield I have to use to entice Kenna to start sucking. We do this for 2 or 3 days until she finally starts latching on her own.
We have a family cuddle on the couch almost every day. Mike, Kenna, and I doze while Cam watches a holiday movie. Cam is getting a surplus of screen time. *Shoutout* to our neighbors who invite Cam over for a playdate to give us some time to nap. They also host us for our first home-happy-hour (parent style); Kenna naps in my arms while I munch on cheese and crackers and sip a half glass of wine.
We spend Thanksgiving at home just the four of us, since Kenna is only 10 days old. Mike makes an untraditional feast of lobster rolls, Cesar salad, and green beans. Kenna’s umbilical cord stub falls off and we don’t keep it so I feel like I should make record of the date here! I am so thankful for this little family of mine.
December
Mike’s parents come to meet Kenna! They are only here for a few days en route to Australia. My mother-in-law kindly cleans our house between baby cuddles and I am so thankful for her. Her ease with our kids and grace in also knowing what Mike and I need in these tender days is admirable. Her and Mike’s dad also sweetly walk Kenna around a local movie theater for almost 2 hours so we can take Cam to see the new Moana movie; this way Kenna is close by in case she needs a feed, but not in the loud theater with us.
Nights are still a blur of waking up basically every 2 hours. We set our alarms to be sure we never go more than 3 hours without feeding her but babygirl wakes us up on her own every time before it goes off.
We go to a Christmas Tree lighting when Kenna is just over 2 weeks old and I can’t believe we are out at such an event with a newborn. It’s a community thing so we see a ton of friends there and it feels good to catch up. Kenna also sleeps the whole time, which makes it easy.
Mike is on the first part of his pat leave and, while Cam is at school, we catch up on chores and do a few fancy lunches while Kenna dozes in the stroller next to us. We didn’t get to do this with Cam because of lockdown. It is mostly really nice to be able to experience eating out with a tiny baby cuddled up the whole time but there is a part of me that is nervous when we’re forced inside because of cold weather… Will crowds always kind of freak me out (covid trauma)?
One particularly fun morning includes coffees at Santana Row and stumbling upon the amazing family room there, complete with plush swivel chairs, a big screen TV with cartoons (for older kids), separate smaller rooms with sinks, a changing area, and a comfortable chair to feed your baby. We hang out in a feeding room for 30 minutes, drinking our coffees and making plans to come back with Cam later.
We decorate the Christmas tree that afternoon and hang our four embroidered stockings. Mike had the foresight to order Kenna’s in advance; locking us in on the decision of her name with that $30 stocking purchase. 😉
At 4 weeks we introduce the bottle to Kenna. She takes it right away and I get back a small about of flexibility now that she doesn’t need me to eat every time. She still only drinks breastmilk so I pump and Mike feeds her. I’m able to go on a 3 hour (!) coffee date with some of my new mom friends while our older ones are at a holiday camp. The conversation is so real and lovely. Friends get your through.
*Shoutout* to my bests, Leslie and Lauren, who also offer to watch Kenna AND Cam so Mike and I can go on a date. We walk to our favorite place for a drink, knowing our littles are safe with two of my oldest and dearest friends.
Around this time, I decide to wean myself from pain meds as well, thinking I am mostly recovered. Everything I read online – as well as advice I get from my doctor – says that 4-6 weeks after a vaginal delivery you are back in action.
Um. Sadly this was not the case at all for me. I’m in an almost constant state of discomfort, often breaking down and crying to Mike.
“Why am I still in this amount of pain?” “How was a c-section a better, faster, smoother recovery?” “Will this ever go away?”
I am convinced the lack of sleep of newborn life is stalling my healing but there really isn’t another road to take. I need to feed her. Around this time, Kenna’ has her’s longest wake window is from ~6pm – 10pm. She is very fussy for these hours and eventually goes to sleep when we do. Mike and I are haggard, asking each other, “she has to be tired now, right?” After whatever magical combination of sush’ing and rocking works on any given night, we get a solid 5 hours of glorious sleep before she wakes up for a quick feed around 3am. Then, with the magic of the snoo swaying her back to sleep, we get another 2 or 3 hours.
Sometimes we take shifts in trying to put her to sleep. Usually I can’t sleep with the TV on but exhaustion overrides old preferences. Mike and I watch Red One in parts; the first half together; the second half just me, awake with Kenna while Mike sleeps and then vice-versa. We tell each other how far we got as we nudge the other one awake. “My turn to sleep.”
Christmas day creeps closer and we take Kenna to meet my whole family. We’re so tired. Kenna sleeps while being cuddled by various family members (all in masks because again, covid trauma?). Cam gets a million presents. It’s overwhelming and wonderful.
We ring in the new year at a friend’s house just down the street, counting down with Nova Scotia because everyone has kids to get in bed!
January and February recaps coming soon…! 🙂
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