Our little girl is here! I wrote about Cam’s birth story when he was born and love being able to go back and read it. Here we are for round two. Fair warning, this is a long one so settle in. 🙂
I had a c-section with Cam because he was breech, which meant I was eligible for a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) for my second pregnancy. Since I wanted a natural childbirth with Cam 4 years ago, you would think this was welcome news but I actually found it difficult to have options and to have to make the decision. On one hand, I knew what to expect with a c-section (appealing) but on the other, it is a major surgery that doesn’t come without risks. However, a vaginal delivery- especially after a c-section – had it’s own set of risks to consider… Plus the outcome was far less predictable; would I end up needing a c-section anyway? what about tearing? forceps? could I really do it without an epidural?
Going into my last doctor’s appointment, I was 51% ready to proceed with a c-section. And then I found out I was already 2 cm dilated and fully effaced. My doctor also gave me a boost of confidence saying I was an ideal candidate for a VBAC and she truly thought it would be successful. And, she added, ultimately a VBAC was less risky. Okay, decision made. My goal was to have a vaginal delivery without an epidural.
Leaving that appointment, armed with the information that I had a “1% chance of making it to my due date,” given how far along I already was, I was sure this baby was coming any day. No, any hour. I was actually still working until that Friday but wanted to get everything in order in case she came early. I spent the rest of Monday and Tuesday wrapping things up and setting my mat leave OOO. And then… I waited. Mostly on the couch watching Netflix. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday… still no baby. (This did give me and Mike the opportunity to get in some last lunch dates while Cam was at school!) Saturday… Sunday… nothing. Monday, a week after my doctor’s appointment and still not in labor or any sign of it, aside from some mild period like cramping. Hm. Before we went to sleep that night I told Mike the doctor was probably wrong and I thought I would make it to my due date after all. Famous last words…
At 12:50am on Tuesday, I woke up with more intense cramping than I had been feeling that whole week. Mike started tracking contractions to see if this was the “real thing” but I knew it was. My contractions were all over the place – some lasted minutes, others seconds; some were close together and others like 10 minutes apart. One thing was for sure though, despite being ad hoc, they were getting more and more intense.
I decided to get in the bath to try to ease the pain. I spent about 90 minutes in there while we called the hospital and my mom to come over and stay with Cam. I remember thinking how painful this was but looking back, that part of labor was a cakewalk.
My mom arrived around 3am, Mike gave her instructions on what to do the next morning to get Cam to school, and we were off to the hospital.
After being admitted into triage, we found out I was already 7 cm dilated. Great news! At this point I was feeling really nauseous and overwhelmed with all of the questions, poking, and people coming in and out of the room. Plus, the nurse who was trying to put in my IV casually told me, “oops, I just blew an artery.” Ugh. I am very squeamish around needles and hearing that threw me over the edge. As they were wheeling me to the labor and delivery room, I stared throwing up. Real cute. And it only got cuter.
Once in the room, another nurse inserted an IV in my other arm without any incident or pain. So thankful. Someone else asked me about my birth plan, which I had forgot to submit to my doctor ahead of time… Basically though, I didn’t want an epidural – given above mentioned fear of needles – but if there was something to take the edge off another way, I was all for it. Enter fentanyl in my IV.
Ah, what a relief. A few moments of less pain. My contractions became way more manageable, just small waves of mild cramping. Mike and I were even able to take a little nap at this point. And with the room as dimly lit it was, dare I say, a bit relaxing.
Oh, what a turn things were about to take…
Around 6am, the doctor came in to check my cervix. I was still about 7 cm and my water hadn’t broken. Ugh. She offered to break it to move things along. I asked if it hurt and she assured me it didn’t. I agreed, wanting to keep things progressing. All of the sudden there was a seemingly never ending flow of liquid. I felt like I was constantly peeing myself, despite the nurses regularly changing out the bedding and towels under me. (Sorry if TMI.)
Once the doctor left from breaking my water, the nurse informed me, “I didn’t want to say anything with the doctor in here but while the procedure doesn’t hurt… labor gets a lot more intense after your water breaks.” Cool.
By this point the pain meds were wearing off (of course) and it was recommended not to get another dose as not to make the baby sleepy. In retrospect, I’m glad I didn’t know things were about to get so intense or I might have opted not to proceed with breaking my water. However, I can’t overstate the pain contractions suddenly took on. It was the most severe amount of pressure I’ve ever felt.
At one point I asked to get in the shower, hoping for anything to relieve the pain. But, because I had a c-section with Cam, this technically wasn’t allowed since the baby had to be under constant monitoring as a precaution. Cameryn, our nurse – who, because I went into labor in the morning, was with me through the whole day/labor, which was a gift – mentioned I had been using the restroom without monitoring, so a quick shower should be okay.
“Please, please, please!” I literally begged the doctor.
“Okay,” she reluctantly started to agree, “but do you understand there is a risk being off the monitor?”
“I do,” I replied, probably already bolting to the bathroom but knowing to my core that the baby was going to be okay for those 5 minutes in the shower.
The water was a relief but it was coupled with the sudden urge to push. Ugh, I always heard about this in movies and stories and now here I was experiencing it. Suddenly I needed to get out of the shower and back on the bed.
Now feels like a good time to highlight Mike in this whole experience. He was by my side the ENTIRE birth (looking back, I don’t think he even used the restroom himself or had a sip of water during the whole thing). It makes me a bit emotional even as writing this to think of him standing outside the shower – ready with a towel or whatever I needed – and just being such a steady presence. If roles were reversed, I think it would be difficult for me to be as calm, collected, and supportive as he was.
Back in the bed, I thought I had to be 10 cm dilated at this point. The urge to push was just so intense. The nurses were calling doctors for someone to come check but everyone was in a delivery. This didn’t sound …ideal. Eventually a midwife came to check and honestly here is where everything starts to get a bit hazy.
I vaguely remember her checking my cervix and screaming in pain. I’m not sure why that time hurt that bad but I was only 8 cm dilated. Fuck. For the next hour (maybe?) I rode out the contractions by changing positions, based on the midwife’s recommendation, screaming, and literally shaking in pain. I know at multiple points I whimpered, “I can’t do this, I can’t do this.” To which that amazing nurse who was with me all day would reply, “you can! You are so strong! You got this!” Honestly this wasn’t that encouraging in the moment but it did seem to get me through, so I’m thankful.
Finally I got the go-ahead to start pushing. Yes, I thought! Here we go. One push in though and I was like, nooooo. This sucks even more.
I spent the next ~50 minutes pushing for 3 counts of 8 every contradiction I had, except the one I missed because of utter exhaustion (“okay, we’ll let that one go” I remember the midwife saying). For every push I was instructed to hold onto my legs and pull with my arms and elbows out wide, focusing all my energy ~down there~. I always knew when I had a “good” push because it was so painful. Which meant I didn’t want to do it again. I’m pretty sure there were a good number of pushes that didn’t move anything along. In between pushing I would collapse, actually falling asleep at some points. And then another contraction would come and I would have to push, somehow willing my body to act when my brain screaming, not again! This is too much!
Sporadically after pushes they would tell me a progress report. “Great job, we can see this much of her head!” “Amazing one, a bit more of her head out this time.” I asked if her head went back in every time? They told me it did.
“What?!” I was shocked. “She is literally never going to come out with this design…” Everyone assured me she would.
And then, miraculously, magically, after an unassuming push (but actually very assuming because pushing is the most painful), SHE WAS HERE. A slimy little curled up bundle of love placed on my chest. And oh how sweet it was.
She didn’t cry at first but no one seemed worried about it – expect me, frantically asking once I realized, “why isn’t she crying?!” Seconds later we heard her wail. Relief. She was here. I did it.
Next up was delivering the placenta. Which, thankfully, was out in one small push. Then came the next terror of my story… stitches for tearing. I won’t go into deep detail on the internet but I ended up with a second-degree tear. Which I don’t think would have been too bad except I had to go into the operating room to fix my stitches after the midwife tried with no success to stitch me up.
Anyways! Moving on.
After the OR, I was reunited with Mike and our girl. We spent the next few hours sending pictures to family and friends and filling up on hospital sandwiches. Yum. Eventually we were transferred into our room, where we settled in until discharge the following day.
As with Cam, these hours were filled with lots of nurse visits (one in particular I actually remembered from when Cam was born 4 years ago!), scattered sleep for all 3 of us, desperate attempts for drops of colostrum (liquid gold), mediocre food, and, most importantly, falling in love with Kenna.
We video chatted with my mom and Cam a few times and he seemed mostly unfazed about now having a little sister. My mom reported back that he wanted her name to be Miles, from the Spidey team, which we got a good laugh from.
The next day we were told we could go home if we wanted. Yes, please! After our final tests – and getting my IV out; always a highlight! – Mike went to pick up Cam early from school so he could meet Kenna in the hospital.
Officially a family of four. What a dream come true. ♥️♥️♥️♥️
I had such mixed feelings on the drive home. On one hand, I was thrilled to be going home and, of course, to be with Cam again (!) but on the other, I was anxious to be leaving the safety of the hospital; cocooned in a little room with medical professionals just a red button call away.
Kenna is 3 weeks today and every day is getting a bit easier. Eventually I’ll do another entry about the postpartum experience this time around (and probably one about my pregnancy in general!). But overall, I’ve experienced a lot of mixed feelings like I did on the drive home from the hospital. I’m trying to soak in every second of Kenna being a newborn while also still being involved in Cam’s world. There is an almost always push and pull with these feelings; who do I give my attention to? how do I escape the guilt no matter what I decided?
I’m also trying hard to not get overwhelmed by housework and everything that feels like it needs to be done. Resisting the urge to clean and tidy isn’t my strong suit. However I know, in retrospect, dirty dishes won’t matter but being full of Cam and Kenna love and cuddles will.
Which, speaking of, ugh, newborn (and 4 year old) cuddles truly are the best! Kenna is such a sweet baby. She’s absolutely gorgeous with a full head of dark hair, almond shape eyes, and a perfectly shaped little face. I find myself just staring at her throughout the day (and night and early morning hours… haha) absolutely obsessed. We’re all so in love with her.
Until next time!
VEG VIBES 